Part 2

I mentioned on my last post that I didn't want anyone to misunderstand my absence from blogging. I did not want it to appear that my faith in God has been shaken. No, if anything, it is stronger than ever because He has held me up through all of the trials!

But I have also worried a bit over another possible misconception. I don't want anyone to have this picture in their minds that my life has been shattered and that the miscarriage is all I think of....that it CONSUMES me. I guess deep down I feel as though if it reached this point that it would be also be a sign of dwindling faith or the questioning of God on my part. But there are things about it that I want to share.

While it is always with me, time really does help. In the first days following a miscarriage it is more in the forefront of your mind and heart. But when you are blessed as I am with other responsibilities and concerns, you simply MUST forge ahead.

I have a husband who is also grieving. It would not help him for me to fall apart.

(This seems to be a great place to insert something)

Please, please, please if you ever have friends or loved ones who lose a baby, do not forget to reach out to the father of the baby. So much attention is focused on the mother and rightly so but people seem to forget that this man has also lost a child and the future he dreamed of with it. It's not that you have to be all touchy-feely with him about it. But phone calls or visits from men he is friends with can go a long way in just helping to restore his well being. Ladies, if you call, don't just ask about the mom, ask about him as well. The same could be said about sending cards.

It's important to remember that the father is dealing not only with this loss but also with helping his wife through her pain and sheltering her from anything she can't deal with at that time. He needs support, too. But too many times he is ignored by the majority of well-meaning people.

I also want to warn moms that go through this...don't be surprised if people you have been very close to suddenly withdraw from you. Sometimes people don't know what to say so they back off from you and don't say anything. It can be especially bad if you have friends who are pregnant or have a new baby. What's so bad about that is the more they avoid you in an attempt to not make it awkward...well, the more they draw out your loss and make it an awkward situation. It's hard to get life back to normal and heal when your normal friends are staying away. Their absence is always a reminder of what happened.

So, folks, if you don't know what to say, it's ok. Just say something like, "I love you and I am so sorry." Don't ignore them or neglect to say anything if they come around. Don't disappear from their life. They have already lost a child they don't need to lose their friends/support system on top of that.

Back to what I was saying.

I also had children that had to deal with the loss. The GuitarMan took it harder than I suspected he might. Yet he also was such a help in just being here. That's the great thing about family. You draw strength from each other.

The younger children dealt with it differently. It took time for them to understand what happened. For the first week or so I noticed that LadyBug was somewhat withdrawn. Where she normally is always ready to be held or hugged, suddenly she would pull away quite often. She was quiet and moody. It didn't help that she got sick with flu and the Tamiflu affected her behavior. FlowerChild couldn't understand where the baby went, that she wasn't safe inside Mommy's tummy anymore. I still LOOKED pregnant so it was confusing to say the least.

Gradually though they opened up with their questions and started putting it all together. They took comfort in knowing Abigail was in heaven but they were quite blunt in their desire to have her here with us. Very often, out of the blue, one will tell me, "I want Abigail." It's good that they are able to talk about it naturally and normally.

Just this week they saw some friends they hadn't seen in a while. We are expecting some new babies at church and this friend also had some family that is expecting. He told my girls, "Oh and your mama is going to have a baby, too." They told him that no, the baby died. Then they proceeded to tell him all about her.

They could not have reached that point had I let this take over everything. I HAD to restore normal life. One thing that made it hard was my body! I guess the easiest way to put it is my body was confused and thought I was still pregnant. I am just now starting to lose a little of the weight. Each day has been a battle when it came time to dress because of course, you don't want maternity clothes but they are too big anyway. Regular clothes are too tight. So I was reduced to just a few outfits that worked. Just another reminder to me of what happened!

So life has not been consumed in grief although grief has certainly been present. No, life has been consumed with trying to get back to a good place. I don't know if I ever updated here but LadyBug's test results turned out well. Hopefully, the serious infection she had was just a fluke.

We went from the loss of the baby, straight into swine flu with all three younger children, straight into the illness and tests on LadyBug...it was rough. We were blessed a couple of weeks ago with a free stay for our family at a beach retreat. Wouldn't you know I was sick the whole time? (Not flu, BTW, allergy/virus, I always get sick following stress). Still, the away time, the ocean, the children's delight...it all was soothing to our hurting hearts. And it felt good to come home again.

Home, routines, time together...a good place.