Abigail's Birth

The following was written the week after Abigail Hope was delivered.

Well, this week has been a rough one. But, I am here and I can still manage a smile. I'll go ahead and apologize for a long post. I wanted to share Abigail's birth with any of you that might like to read it. Also I thought it might be a story that could help someone else who finds themselves in this situation. It is devastating to go in for a doctor's appt. only to be told there is no heartbeat. That is exactly what happened to us Thursday of last week.

I had been through a miscarriage before and never wanted to face that again. In that pregnancy, the baby never developed properly. I had some female problems during that time that made it hard to pinpoint how far along I should have been. But it finally became apparent that something was very wrong. After many weeks I miscarried at home.

Since then I have never taken a pregnancy for granted, assuming that it would turn out fine. Faith, yes. Assumptions, no.

This pregnancy had gone very well. I had all the usual symptoms of pregnancy and had no problems whatsoever. I had been to the doctor the week before and they had done bloodwork which was perfect. Blood pressure perfect. Everything perfect. I met with a patient liason type nurse that same day. It was strange because since it was the first time I was meeting with her I needed to meet with Nurse K. I was scheduled for a meeting with Nurse K on Wednesday. But when I got there I found Andrea. She only worked there on Wednesdays as that was Nurse K's day off. Andrea couldn't understand why they would have sent me in on a Wednesday for my first meeting with them since she wasn't really familiar with how to get me registered with them. But she was a friendly, outgoing woman and she dove into the job. There was another lady there too who was training and in no time we were all laughing and talking. We found out we were all believers and had great conversation about children and family, how the Lord works, you name it. When she saw I wasn't scheduled to come back for several weeks she said she wanted to get me back in sooner than that. So when she finished I had an appt to come back the following Thursday. As I left I wondered how it was they had scheduled me for a Wednesday but thought no more about it.

When I returned the following Thursday I felt great (other than the typical pregnancy fatigue and a small amount of morning sickness) and was still having no problems. The first thing my midwife checked for was the baby's heartbeat. She tried several minutes and from different angles. Nothing. So she went on with the rest of the exam and came back to it to try again. Nothing. So I was sent over to the other office for an ultrasound.

When it began my husband and I noticed two things immediately. No heartbeat and the baby wasn't moving. The technician covered by saying she was measuring the baby, which she did. But I have had enough ultrasounds to know that we should have seen the heartbeat right away. Not only that, but the baby should have been wiggling. Based on the measurements, the baby had died just a few days before, after my previous appointment. We couldn't tell the sex because it was curled in a little ball.

The OB who came in was very kind and understanding. He gave me the options.

*I could wait to see if I went in labor on my own. We live an hour from the hospital and have small children in the home. Not an option.

*I could have a D & E. It is a surgical procedure that the doctor described as brutal. But if I preferred to go to sleep and wake up with everything over, then it was an option. He was not certified to do it but another doctor in the group was.

*The third option was to be induced and deliver the baby.

He told me the dangers involved with each option. Like I said, the first option was out. So was the second option. A D & E is the same procedure used in an abortion. I couldn't think of them doing this to our baby. The doctor shared something with me at this point. He isn't certified because he can't stomach it or doesn't have the heart to do it. They have to piece the baby back together when they finish so they can be sure they got everything.

So my induction would be scheduled for Monday. When the nurse brought us in to schedule the appt. it was the first time I was to hear the words 'fetal demise' but it certainly wasn't the last.

Friday we played in the snow with our children and built a huge snowman. That is the first time I have ever done that in my life! I did not have the heart to tell the younger children. At that point, I didn't even know HOW I was going to do it. The GuitarMan had come home and as far as they were concerned he was home to play with them. I was having some cramping but I overlooked it as much as possible and made the choice to enjoy my family.

It was a hard weekend. I LOOKED pregnant. I FELT pregnant. But there was no life within me. I didn't want to go anywhere for fear someone would ask me when I was due. I was glad for the ice and snow.

Sunday night the contractions became very regular, 5 minutes apart. But it settled down finally. At that point, we decided to go ahead and begin to prepare the girls for what was coming. We told them that the doctors had detected a problem which could make the baby come early. If it came now, it would be too tiny to live. They could understand this from watching the Duggars with their premature baby.

Monday started out cold, windy, and rainy. It was appropriate somehow. I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am to prep for the induction. It was rather tortuous checking in at the ER. I was just ready to get to a room. The male nurse there couldn't understand why I was not pre-registered if I was there for an induction. I know that it is rare for this to happen in the second trimester but you would think he could have just a little tact. At any rate, when he made his phonecalls it was obvious he finally understood because a look of embarrassment crossed his face and he became subdued.

We finally were placed in a room with what seemed to be a very nervous nurse. She was very shaky and chatty. She kept forgetting what she was doing and dropping things. I felt sorry for her because I knew it was a hard situation and she probably was afraid of me falling apart. When she tried to put the IV in she could not find a vein anywhere. She kept muttering things like, no that one scares me, no, I don't want to try it there, that one will collapse, oh, I just don't know....I'm laying there trying to be polite but thinking, "Lady, please, if you can't do it, don't try!!" She finally got it in but it was in an awkward place up high in my arm, right at the bend and it gave problems the entire time I was in the hospital. Another nurse came in and began to help her. She had to still draw blood. Well, the other nurse couldn't find a vein either and finally had no choice but to take it from the IV. Let's just say if you have a problem with the sight of blood then don't ever stay in the room when THAT is done.

But finally it was done and we were left to wait for the doctor to arrive. I dreaded seeing who my nurse would be and hoped it would be someone who wasn't so nervous.

When the door opened we turned to see Andrea enter the room. Remember the nurse who filled in that we had met? I wondered what she was doing there. Lo and behold, SHE would be my nurse that day! I was so relieved. I had forgotten that she worked Labor and Delivery. She is very kind, very bubbly and has a great faith in the Lord. Best of all, she already knew me, my husband and about our family. I knew that everyone's prayers were real and that God was right there with me.

By the time, the doctor had arrived the nurses had answered any questions we might have. Dr. Phillips warned me that I would most likely not go home the next day as this would be a slow process. I might not deliver until the next night.

Now induction is different in this situation than it is with a full term delivery. In that case, they normally use Pitocin administered by IV. But when it is an early delivery they use a different approach. The doctor took tablets and placed them at the cervix. I had to lie flat for an hour to insure they would not move. The purpose is to soften the cervix and possibly put you into labor. After 8 hours they give you a second smaller dose by mouth. Andrea said it usually took that second dose for most women.

After that it was just a waiting game. I had occasional cramps that gradually built to steady cramps. Once a pattern started emerging I was to let them know so they could put the monitor on. Around 12:30 or 1:00 I told Andrea that the cramps were getting harder and had been for about an hour. She told me to let it go another hour to make sure they didn't go away.

Meanwhile The GuitarMan had been there that morning and had gone back home to get the girls. He kept them with him for a while and then The FisherMan left to get them all some lunch. GuitarMan was going to take the girls to the college to stay with his girlfriend and friends once they finished. He was coming back to the hospital. It was good for them as they had a special day rather than sitting at home wondering about Mama.

Anyway I had started running a fever and having chills along with the cramping. Everyone was sure this was only the beginning so when The FisherMan left I settled under the covers and tried to doze through the cramps and warm up. The pain was just intense enough to keep me from sleeping hard. But dozing I managed until I woke with a start at exactly 2:00 when I felt a sudden gush. I tentatively pulled the covers back, not sure if I would see blood. But instead I realized my water had broken. The nurses there have phones so you can call your nurse direct so I called Andrea. She was there in seconds and I got cleaned up.

Once I was settled in bed once again, monitor attached now, she asked if I wanted her to call the FisherMan. I told her there wasn't any need. It would just worry him and the GuitarMan and I wanted them to relax and eat. She agreed and we decided if my contractions picked up, then she would call.

Oddly enough, my cramps had eased up now. I knew and Andrea warned they would probably increase in intensity now. By now it was 2:25. I had a few small contractions and she tried to find out if there was a pattern. I hadn't noticed one and the contractions were much lighter now but I promised I would call as soon as they picked up.

I felt a little better and I thought maybe I should call my husband after all, just in case things got more intense before he got back. The girls wanted to see me and I didn't want them to walk in on anything. So I gave him a quick call, telling him my water had broken, but I was fine. I told him to call when they got back to the parking lot and I would tell him if it was ok for the littles to come up. After exchanging I love you's we hung up and I turned back to my Doris Day movie.

Just that quick, I sneezed. When I did, I felt it. Reaching down, I felt Abigail Hope's tiny body, still warm from my own. I called Andrea and just said, "I need you." She was there immediately and called The FisherMan. The cord was so thin and short that she couldn't clamp the cord. When she tried to contact the doctor, she was in an emergency C-section for twins. So another nurse came in and together they worked to clamp and cut the cord.

Eventually after pushing for a while the placenta passed. Andrea was fairly sure that it was intact because I wasn't bleeding heavily or anything. She returned every 5 or 10 minutes to massage my uterus. Suddenly more placenta came. Now the pushing really began. Somehow it was more exhausting than delivering my babies. I grew tired and weak and yet nothing was coming. About that time the doctor arrived and was concerned.

She worked and worked to try to deliver the placenta. I have delivered 4 babies and I have never had my uterus massaged like that! She practically did handstands! It was very painful! Andrea had marveled at my high pain tolerance earlier...I was wishing at this point that I had accepted the epidural! She even tried to remove the placenta internally. But no more placenta emerged and she ordered the ultrasound. When she performed it, she found that the placenta had torn into several pieces and part of it was retained. She would have to surgically remove it.

By now my oldest son had gotten back. He and my husband looked scared to death. I wasn't scared of the surgery itself,  but I was terrified of being put to sleep!

Andrea had already inquired as to whether we wanted to see the baby. I desperately wanted to. The FisherMan and GuitarMan desperately did NOT want to. With surgery being necessary, it would be several hours before I would return to my room. Surgery was ready for me and had already called. But Andrea, knowing this would be my only chance to see and hold the baby, put them off each time and went to get her.

When she returned she let my guys step out. Then she brought her to me cradled in a soft cloth. Abigail's tiny, lifeless form was smaller than Andrea's hand. Together we marveled at God's marvelous work. She was perfectly formed for her gestational age. Have you ever wondered about their little bodies based on the drawings and ultrasounds? The arms were already defined and ended in tiny hands with long fingers. Her little tummy was round and full. The shape of her head was familiar, reminding me of my other precious newborns. I stroked her body, no longer warm, but ice cold and knew I would see her again some day. Reluctantly, I let her go.

Since then we have all continued to let her go, ever so reluctantly. It has been five weeks and my girls speak of Abigail often, wishing aloud that she could be here with us. They say Jesus is taking care of her for us. I would venture to say He's taking care of all of us. :)