Hello to all my bloggy friends! I want to thank all of you that have faithfully checked in here for posts and continued to follow. Writing of any sort, even if it's just a little post about your day or your schedule, opens you up and exposes you. When facing trials and grief and I tend to withdraw and close myself off somewhat. I think with everything that has happened I needed a bit of a blog break. But I have really missed it.
I think my biggest concern about not blogging was how people that do not know me in real life or perhaps know me and do not see me on a regular basis might perceive my absence. While losing Abigail was certainly a hard hit I don't want anyone to think that it has shaken my faith. Some bloggers like to write only about certain things such as a cooking blog, a Bible study blog, homemaking blog, etc. Well, my approach is a mish--mash of everything in my life. In the course of that, I hope to weave a picture of my walk with the Lord. I would not want my suddenly disappearing to make anyone think I was questioning Him or blaming Him in any way.
You can expect a lot of things following a miscarriage. The severity of these things will vary from person to person. A lot will depend on your support system.
Physically, a woman's body has to adjust to suddenly not being pregnant. Some women face heavy bleeding for several weeks that wears them down. Others do not have that problem, especially if a D & C was required. Hormone ups and downs can cause mild symptoms similar to pms all the way to full blown depression. If the pregnancy hormones take longer to disappear then you may even still feel pregnant. But all of this regulates after a while. Be prepared though that it might take up to 4 - 6 weeks.
Emotionally it is expected that sadness and depression would be present. That's a given. If it is severe enough to interfere with daily responsibilities and just being able to function in general then don't hesitate to let the doctor know. Medication will help.
If what you are dealing with is simply the loss and sadness I want to encourage you that it will get better. Don't be tempted to mask your feelings in an attempt to hide from the pain. You will have good days and bad days. You may not want to talk to people. That's ok! Cry if you need to. Laugh when you can. Take solace in whatever brings you comfort. But walk through the pain to get to the other side.
Expect that you may also deal with some anger. I dealt with some anger at the beginning. We had not received the best reactions from everyone when they found out we were expecting. You would have thought we were the Duggars the way some folks reacted. "Do you realize this will make 5 children???" (Um, yeah, I do and I even know all their names!) Others went on and on about our age...I'm not decrepit just because I'm over 35! ;) Others simply refused to barely acknowledge it. It hurt my feelings. This was our baby, a precious life. When I look at my other children, which one could I live without? This child was no different.
So when we lost Abigail the thought just would run through my mind, "How can you mourn a life you never celebrated?" Some people would say they were sorry yet their attitude was almost one of relief or dare I say it? "I told you so."
Well, let me tell you. I did not lose my child because I had too many children. I did not lose my child because of my age. I am in good health (and not THAT old lol).
She was perfect. The best the doctor could determine was that there was most likely a mild, undetectable infection or problem with the placenta. It was unavoidable. There was nothing I could have done differently. It could have happened in my first pregnancy or my third. It could have happened had I been age 20 or age 48. It just happened.
Some people turn that anger on God and blame Him. I can honestly say that I never went through that with either miscarriage. I never blamed Him. I did withdraw somewhat though. While I conversed with Him some I found it hard to really pray. I didn't want to read my Bible. I wasn't blaming Him. It was all just part of that withdrawing I told you about. One morning a few weeks later I sat down and read 3 books of the Bible straight through. Conversations gradually grew back into a real prayer life.
Does that shock you? A Christian, a pastor's wife no less, who felt numb with the Lord? Hopefully not. I never turned my back on Christ. He never turned His on me. He just loved me where I was at in my grief and lifted me up when I could not stand.
Whatever we face in life, whether it be disappointments or loss, He is faithful to take care of His children! Praise Him!
Edited to Add: I want to be sure that everyone knows when I spoke of people not being the most supportive, I wasn't referring to good natured joking about our age or number of children. We have a great sense of humor about our family and take joy in the blessings we have. We are always ready to laugh and rejoice in the hilarity of an unexpected large family after being parents to just one child for so long. So if you are a friend that was happy for us and kidded around a bit, don't feel I was speaking of you!
Wow. I'm glad that you shared all of this. People can be so mean, can't they? I'm glad you have shared about your walk with the Lord through all of this. Praying for happier days in the future. Grief at the loss of an unborn child has not been addressed much. People (sometimes even the mother herself) are flippant about it. I'm glad you weren't. I think we can't take the time to share each others' sorrows -- we'd prefer not to think about it. But it doesn't make the pain go away.
ReplyDeleteMary,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your encouragement. People can be thoughtless at times and it can come across as being mean spirited, even when they don't really mean it that way.
We really are doing much better. But I feel a need to address it for others that may experience it or have loved ones that do.
Maybe if they have already gone through it, this will give them some validation of their feelings. If they are just now experiencing it, maybe it will prepare them a little as to what to expect. Also maybe it will help folks who have never had this happen to know a little of what the parents are going through.
I have a few other thoughts but time will tell if I feel burdened to share them. ;)